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FROM THE IRISH TIMES NEWSPAPER

Two Englishmen, who were travelling along Shropshire, wanted to know the way to Shrewsbury.


They happened to see an Irishman in the distance, so one said to the other: “Coma and we’ll make fun of Paddy and ask him the way.”


When the Irishman came up one of them said to him: “Aye, Paddy, could you tell me the way to Shrewsbury?”


Paddy, indignant at being called that name, asked “How did you know my name was Paddy?”


Englishman: “Oh, I guessed it.”


“Well, guess the way to Shrewsbury,” said Paddy.



Paddy was stopped by the police around 2:00 am

Paddy was stopped by the police around 2:00 am and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Paddy replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late".
 The officer asked, "Really? - Who would be giving such a lecture at this time of the night?"
 Paddy replied, "That would be my wife".


Raddison Blu Hotel managers temper tantrum

Raddison Blu Hotel managers temper tantrum

  My wife and I were travelling on business and had been staying at the Radisson Blu in Letterkenny Ireland for just under two weeks when I caught the flu and became very congested. I'm asthmatic and congestion is a problem.  My wife ran the shower for me to get up a steam, hoping a hot shower and steam would offer some relief.
  The hotel wasn't built with showers, instead a shower head is attached to a metal hose that is attached to the water main. After my wife turned the water on to run; a small rip in the metal shower hose was broke up and unknown to us, water shot out across the floor and into the hall.
 We shut the water off and mopped up the spilled water with towels and called the front desk, told them the problem, asked to have the shower fixed and to have new towels brought up to the room. The clerk said he would and that was the last we heard from him. 
 Three hours later, I phoned the reception again and asked for a repairman and clean towels. The repairman arrived, fixed the shower head and left. Several minutes later a furious hotel manager called. She made three points in rapid succession. She was charging us $200 for the damage done by the faulty hose, there were two persons in a room booked for one and she was charging for the second person with penalties and that her workman had informed her that I was ill with the flu and did I want to see a doctor?
  I was taken aback by the verbal assault and the invasion of privacy and general obnoxiousness of it all. I told her, no, I didn't want to see a doctor.  She said that it was not in the best interest of the other hotel guests to allow a sick person to "Carry on" in the hotel. I told her we were leaving the hotel that day so it wasn't an issue.
  I phoned my wife who was at her consulting site and told her about the manager's abrasive call. She called the manager and tried to explain that the shower hose was broken.
  The manager replied that "You and your husband are telling two different stories so we'll get you both in the same room and get the story straight"
  They agreed to meet at 5:00 that afternoon. I phoned the manager and told her I wanted the broken hose present as well as the workman who fixed the hose. 
  That blew her fuse. She went off on me. She snapped that the workman had taken the hose with him and had left the property for the day and, she informed me, I was not to tell her what to do in her hotel.  I asked her to calm down. She replied in a manner that made me think she was speaking for the benefit of someone else she said "You are raising your voice at me"
 "No one has raised their voice at you" I replied "I have Streep throat, I can barely talk,"
 "In that case" she snapped "You are being aggressive towards me and I feel threatened by your mannerism"
  I told her she was being aggressive I was simply defending myself.  She hissed something and hung up. Several seconds later she called back and told me that check it was past noon and I was to leave the hotel "immediately" 
  I explained that we had arranged for a late checkout and we were leaving the hotel in four hours away, that I had a temperature, the chills and a breathing problem and I needed to rest before a four hour ride to Dublin. Her reply was that I was to vacate the room or that she would arrange with the local authorities to take me out of the room.

  So I left.

Jokes




 Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.  Quinn
thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.


 The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often
among themselves is that they're always assured of  having a worthy opponent.

 An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an  Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
 "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.



 Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the Australians can understand them.



 Reilly went to trial for armed robbery.  The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
 "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"


 Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
 Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."


Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm getting closer all the time."


Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A.   A bachelor.


 Finnegin: " My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning.  I can't break her of it. "
  Keenan: " What on earth is she doin' up at that time? "
  Finnegin: " Waitin' for me to come home . "


 Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.  "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
 "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."


 "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"


Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their
honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?


My mother wanted me to be a priest.  Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to  tell you the details and highlights of theirs?



jokes


One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"
Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"
Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"
Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"
--
An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall's parking lot.
"Lord,"he prayed,"I can't stand this.If you open a space up for me,I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday."
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said,"Never mind,I found one."
--
Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'"
--
What's the difference between God and Bono?
God doesn't wander around Dublin thinking he's Bono.
--
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy says, "In the car."
Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."
--
Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
Paddy says to Mick, "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both"
--
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
--
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
--
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
--
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now."
---

St. Patrick’s Day Engagement
An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
 The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
'It was in honour of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled.
'I gave you a sham rock.'

Social Welfare
A Irishman walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque. He marched straight up to the counter and said,
 "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
 The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
The Irishman , just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me!'
 The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it.

Texan Farmer
A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.
 The Texan says : "Takes me a whole day to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."
The Kerry farmer says: "Ah sure, I know, sir. We have tractors like that over here too."

A System
Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
 An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
 The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'

Job interview
While being interviewed for a job, the personnel manager said to the Maguire brothers:
'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'
 Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.
 'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'
 'Why's that?' asked Pat.
 'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had 'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.

Baby on Board
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
 The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off, go ahead,
I'll hold your monkey."

 Bridge Delivery
Paddy Was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 10 foot max. headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not , 'A shure I'll give it a go, he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it.
 Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened, 'what do you think you are doing? asked the policeman in a sharp tone, 'Sure I'm having me tea break, replied Paddy, 'And what do you work at? asked the policeman, 'Agh shure I deliver bridges,! Smiled  Paddy!

Question
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question? "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

 Petshop
Jimy-Joe went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Jimmy-Joe, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off.
He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"

Paddy and Mick going home from a night out just


Paddy and Mick going home from a night out just realized that they didn't have enough money for a taxi So they decided to go to the Bus depot and steal a bus. Mick broke into the depot as Paddy stood guard for the police. After a while Paddy decided to see what was keeping Mick so he looked through the gate there he saw Mick running from bus to bus looking worried
"What the hell are you doing? " hissed Paddy
Mick replied " I can't find a number 6 bus anywhere Paddy "
Holding his hands to his head in disbelief Paddy barked
"You idiot Mick Steal a number 8 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way "


new jokes



A London Bobby asks two drunks for their names and addresses. The first answers, “I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address.” And the second replies, “I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.”

“What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One drink.”

“Paddy, he said you weren't fit to associate with pigs, but I stuck up for you. I said you most certainly were.”


Bobby; "Where were you born?" Paddy; "Dublin". Bobby; "What part?" Paddy; "All of me."